broken inside

Assalamualaikum! :)

aku pun tak tahu apa yang aku buat dekat sini pukul 4.20 pagi. tapi yang pasti, aku tidur tadi lepas maghrib, tak turun pun terawih dekat surau Ruqayyah macam biasa sebab penat and takde orang nak teman. tak berani weyh nak jalan sorang2 dalam gelap nak pergi surau tu. bukan hantu yang aku takut. orang yang aku takut. biarlah orang nak kata aku pathetic ke apa. tapi, baik lah kita beringat sebelum kena. kan best kalau dah kahwin. mesti pergi terawih dengan Encik Husband and confirm2 lah tak takut. hehehe. the time will come. insyaAllah :))

tapi itu bukan alasan patutnya! jangan tiru perangai buruk aku. aku terawih jugak lepas bangun tidur pukul 12  tadi. settle terawih, chicken foldover yang buy 1 free 1 tuh sampai. weeehooo. melompat kitorang makan ramai2. seronok betul kikis mcd. hehehe. dan sekarang walaupun sebenarnya mata mengantuk gila, still berjaga sebab takut tak bangun sahur. kesian ecah dah masak nasi 3 pot. dah lah kitorang semua dah makan chicken foldover tadi. masing2 dah gosok perut. buatnya tak bangun makan nasi ecah masak, mahu kena belasah dengan dia. ada yang siap pesan masak lebih lagi. haaaa. mana nak campak? berapa kerat je budak2 ni yang tak boleh puasa. mampusssss. tak nak buang nasi. tak nak :'(

merapu.

hari ni ada quiz online. tak baca apa pun. sebab nak jawab sama2 semua satu kelas. esok ada mid term. tak baca apa lagi sebab suka buang masa and study last minute. daripada tadi dok online, main2 dekat youtube, download segala macam jenis lagu, tweet sana sini, dah pukul 4. kalau study, 2 slides dah selamat tidur pukul 11. hahahahaha. itulah kehidupan student. oppsss. sorry. i mean, student yang macam aku. hehehe.

there are few moments where my body is shaking just because of the memories that cross my mind. and, i just feel like crying when the moment comes. idomissyou #katahati


here are some random thoughts come from everywhere. but most of it, Twitter.

I never felt true love until I was with you, and I never felt true sadness until you left me.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

If it still hurts, you still care. It still. 

Ask me how many times my heart has been broken and I will tell you to look in the sky and count the stars. I'm a superwoman. :p

Allah pemilik rahsia rasa hati. :)

Walau kau sudah punya teman istimewa, Aku harap persahabatan kita masih seindah pelangi seperti dahulu. Special dedicated for you dear friend. 

Dari tepi jalan, menuju ke Tuhan.

mcm mana sy nak letak bercinta sbg priority bila saya ada pointer yg harus diperbaiki?

A heart can be broken; but it keeps beating just the same. That's why i still love you. 

I love you without knowing how, why, or even from where. This is why I can never answer your question. 

With or without you.

Sometimes, the best relationships happen by accident ♥

To be honest, you're the only one i've ever spent this much time and effort on. YOU.

I wanna be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

The moments were sweet and it was nice knowing that you are there for me. But it is all 'used' to.

Thanks for your time spent, thanks for your credit wasted, thanks for your big hopes, thanks for your sweet talks, thanks for being there then.

the last 2 is special dedicated to you, En H. I'll be here. 

sayapatahdidalam.

SALAM~

sabar itu indah walaupun perit.

to be honest, exam semalam paling disaster yang pernah ada. dengan hidung tersumbat sok sek, kepala berat bagai nak pecah berpusing, perut lapar tak dinner lagi, 5 drawing questions in 2 hours, aku mmg boleh simpulkan bahawasanya sir aku mmg kejam. itu belum cukup dengan member kau membebel dia tak cuckup masa walhal dia sempat je buat semua soalan. nak compare dengan kitorang2 yang siap tinggal satu soalan penuh, lupa nak redraw balik table, tak tahu jawab langsung, kau nak membebel macam apa je. memang kena ah sound direct sekali dengan aku. jangan selfish weyh. ada yang makan kasut sekali kang. haha.

lama dah rasanya tak marah orang macam ni. mungkin effect badan tak berapa nak sihat, jadi cepat jeee nak marah orang. padahal sakit yang Allah bagi ni kifarah dosa2 yang lepas. patutnya, sabar lah sikit. sikit je. tak rugi mana pun. normal lah exam susah, tak cukup masa, kawan2 nak luahkan apa yang dia rasa. satu tips, kalau rasa nak marah lepas ni, cepat2 urut dada and istighfar. dan kalau sakit pun, ingat, Allah tengah uji ni. sabar je sikit. okay? sebab, SABAR ITU INDAH WALAUPUN PERIT :)

tribute

Rabu, 11 Julai 2012, 5.30 pagi. i got a call from ibu. 

Ibu : Assalamualaikum akak. dah bangun belum?

Aku : Dah. baru je ni. kenapa bu?

Ibu : takde. harini ada apa2 exam ke?

Aku : takde lah. ada quiz je petang ni. kenapa bu? call pagi2 ni.

Ibu : takde. nak bagitahu ni, Daddy (arwah) dah meninggal pukul 2.00 pagi tadi.

Aku : (senyap tak terkata apa. dalam hati je mampu, Innalillahiwainnailahirojiun)

Ibu : akak nak balik tak? kelas pukul berapa?

Aku : (still senyap)

aku tak berapa boleh nak cerna lagi sebenarnya masa tu. tu yg aku senyap. knowing yang Arwah dah pergi, sumpah sedih. aku rasa macam ada something yang tersekat dekat tekak. tak boleh nak cakap. tapi aku tahu lagi elok kiranya Arwah pergi. kesian sangat dah tengok dia terseksa and kesian sangat dah tengok Mummy penat and tension jaga dia.this might be the best for all of us.

Arwah memang bukan ayah kandung aku. tapi Arwah is someone yang sangat berjasa dalam membesarkan aku untuk jadi siapa aku sekarang. sebab Arwah yang jaga aku masa aku kecik dulu bila ibu dengan ayah pergi kerja. 

Arwah sangat loving, sangat sayang aku, sangat manjakan aku. Arwah lah yang rajin dukung aku kalau aku penat nak jalan pergi taman dekat rumah dia. Arwah lah orang yang akan ambik aku dekat rumah every New Year masa aku kecik2 dulu nak bawak gi tengok bunga api. Arwah lah orang yang akan suap aku makan sebab aku masa kecik tak suka makan. kalau kena paksa je aku nangis. tapi dengan Arwah tak. Arwah selalu belanja aku shopping dekat babu. Arwah suka bagi aku duit even masa dia tengah sakit pun. kadang2 rasa segan nak pergi lawat dia sebab tak sedap rasa nak ambik duit yang dia bagi. sebab sepatutnya, after all what Arwah dah buat untuk aku, aku yang patut bagi duit dekat Arwah. 

teringat air mata Arwah yang menitik masa aku suap dia makan dekat wad dulu. teringat bergenang air mata Arwah setiap kali aku salam dia nak balik dah. and aku as always akan cakap, 'Nanti Farah datang lagi. :)' dan now aku rasa menyesal gila2 sebab aku tak sempat nak jaga Arwah di saat2 terakhir dia dekat dunia ni. sepuluh hari Arwah dalam wad, sehari pun aku tak sempat nak jenguk dia and jaga dia even sekejap. Allah. ketar rasa tangan masa salam dengan Mummy nak balik UIA as aku ada kelas pukul 11, bila Mummy cakap, 'Daddy ada sebut2 nama Farah.' :'( 

Ya Allah. Kau ampunkan lah segala dosa-dosa Arwah Daddy yang sangat aku sayang Ya Allah. Kau peliharalah dia daripada seksa kubur. Kau lapangkanlah kuburnya, Kau cerahkanlah juga Ya Allah. Kau cucurkanlah rahmatMu ke atas rohnya Ya Allah. sesungguhnya Kau Maha Mendengar lagi Maha Penyayang.

Daddy, I do love you very much. these words can't be read by you. but I want you to know how grateful I am to have you in this life. thank you for your unconditional love. I'll always pray for you. till we meet again. in Jannah insyaAllah.

aku sempat balik kejap je. pukul 6.30 pagi ayah sampai UIA, gate depan tutup lagi, aku jalan pagi2 buta sampai depan gate Ruqayyah which is seram lah jugak, 7.00 pagi sampai rumah, hantar adik2 pergi sekolah, terus ke rumah Arwah. aku tahan air mata. cukup lah orang2 yang dah menangis tu. cumanya sebak memang tak tertahan bila baca Yasin untuk Arwah. He's leaving. bila kita tinggalkan dunia ni, berbekalkan amalan je. and orang2 tersayang yang bacakan dan doakan untuk kesejahteraan kita. dan masing2 ada bahagian masing2. semoga kita semua mati dalam Iman dan Islam. Al - Fatihah.

p/s : aku still ponteng kelas pukul 11 tu sebab hujan lebat gila tak boleh nak turun pergi kelas and sambung tidur sebab ngantuk gila. 

SALAM~

Assalamualaikum :)

it's been a while. minggu lepas, is another hectic week of all. penat dia, toksah nak sebut lah. sampai semalam, pukul 10 dah selamat dah dalam selimut. but then, I thank Allah for this hectic yet meaningful life that He gave to me. daripada tersadai boring tak tahu apa nak buat kan? hehehe.

Allah Maha Penyayang. Dia jugak Maha Mendengar, Maha Mengetahui.

kita tadah tangan mintak doa dengan Allah. hari2. insyaAllah Dia makbulkan. dan bila Dia dah makbulkan, wajib untuk kita redha dan berserah dengan apa yang Dia dah plan which jauuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh lagi baik daripada yang kita boleh bayangkan. jangan pernah merungut atau mempersoalkan kenapa Allah buat macam ni, kenapa jadi macam tu. He's The Best Planner.

Alhamdulillah.
Allah bagi aku masa yang sangat pack untuk aku isi and penuhi untuk buat aku lupa apa yang jadi dekat aku. untuk bagi aku cukup sebab untuk aku lebih nikmati apa yang ada dalam hidup ni.
untuk aku lagi faham apa sebenarnya tujuan hidup.
senang cerita, Allah dah banyak tolong dah bila aku tadah tangan, mintak tolong dengan Dia. kalau tak mintak? jangan salahkan siapa2 :p

p/s : jadik SU sangat lah tak best. dulu rasa post tu tak sesuai dengan aku sebab mcm sistematik habis je siapa yg jd SU. no no. bukan itu masalahnya. masalahnya ialah jadi SU memang tak best. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

SALAM~

just a dream

(Sam Tsui)I was thinkin about you, thinkin about me.Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?Open my eyes; it was only just a dream.

(Christina Grimmie)I travel back, down that road.Will you come back? No one knows.I realize, it was only just a dream.

(Sam Tsui)I was at the top and I was like I'm in the basement.Number one spot and now you found your own replacement.I swear now that I can't take it, knowing somebody's got my baby.And now you ain't around, baby I can't think.I shoulda put it down. Shoulda got that ring.Cuz I can still feel it in the air.See your pretty face run my fingers through your hair.

My lover, my life. My baby, my wife.You left me, I'm tied.Cuz I know that it just ain't right.

(Together)I was thinkin about you, thinkin about me.Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?Open my eyes; it was only just a dream.So I travel back, down that road.Will you come back? No one knows.I realize, it was only just a dream.

(Christina Grimmie)When I'm ridin I swear I see your face at every turn.I'm tryin to get my usher on, but I can let it burn.And I just hope you'll know you're the only one I yearn for.No wonder I'll be missing when I'll learn?

Didn't give it all my love, I guess now I got my payback.Now I'm in the club thinkin all about you baby.
Hey, you were so easy to love. But wait, I guess our love wasn't enough.

I'm goin through it every time that I'm alone.And now i'm wishin that you'd pick up the phone.But you made a decision that you wanted to move on.Cause I was wrong...

(Together)And I was thinkin about you, thinkin about me.Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?Open my eyes; it was only just a dream.So I travel back, down that road.Will you come back? No one knows.I realize, it was only just a dream.

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.Ohhh, if you ever loved somebody put your hands up.(if you ever loved somebody put your hands up.)If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.(if you ever loved somebody put your hands up.)And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.

I was thinkin about you, thinkin about me.Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?Open my eyes (open my eyes); it was only just a dream (it's just a dream).I travel back (travel back) (i travel back), down that road (down the road)(down the road).Will you come back? No one knows (no one knows).I realize, it was only just a dream (No, no, no...).

And I was thinkin about you, thinkin about me.Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?Open my eyes (open my eyes) (open my eyes); it was only just a dream (it's just a.. it's just a dream).So I travel back, down that road.Will you come back? No one knows.I realize (i realize), it was only just a dream(baby, it was only just... it was only just a dream)

Nooo... Ohhh...It was only just a dream.
just a dream covered by Sam Tsui and Christina Grimmie.

this song, means a lot to me. will you come back? no one knows.